7 secrets of a healthy dating relationship
Love is something that can be measured over time and limerence doesn’t pass that test. Because they barely know this person, there is no illusion that they don’t have to put in the work.The purest way to distinguish between limerence and love is: love lasts and limerence doesn’t. Instead, they know by necessity that it’s going to require an investment of effort.Arranged marriages sound weird but they have the right attitude: it’s gonna take some work. When I talked to Duckworth about it, her answer was very straightforward. It lasts because we can make it last, because we keep putting in the work. Then, the question becomes, how do we cope with it?But if you do the work, it pays off over the long haul.(To learn the science behind how to be a good kisser, click here.)Okay, lots of talk so far about hard work. Is there a way to be more successful in your career and more successful in your relationship? There’s one quality that leads to good things in both…What does a lot of research say produces success in school and career? It’s because grit determines how we persist in trying situations. People who are particularly low in grit, when love feels like work, they’re more likely to drop out the same way soldiers do at West Point. After assessing fifty-two couples based on their oral history interviews, the psychologists Kim Buehlman, John Gottman, and Lynn Katz at the University of Washington found that the way spouses described their history predicted whether they would get divorced within the next three years with 94 percent accuracy. That’s really what George Vaillant and the Grant Study have looked at. Vaillant has found that what determines how well you adapt is who you love and how you love them. If you go down the list of everything we think we want in life it’s all tied up with the ability to love and be loved.In fact, some people avoid such relationships at all costs because the distance tends to lead to feelings of loneliness and depression.However, if you are in a long distance relationship, the good news is that you and your partner can work together to create and maintain a stable relationship even if you’re apart most of the time.Arguing is not a sign of impending doom, it’s normal and natural. So, after years together, not fighting means you’re not communicating.(To learn how to win every argument, click here.)Some might be thinking, “Romeo and Juliet didn’t argue.” And my response would be…Yes, I know, that’s terribly unromantic. He walks over and starts talking in iambic pentameter.
Love is wonderful, love is joy, love is the greatest thing in the world… Marriage is hard work.(Older people are nodding right now while young people are probably sticking their fingers in their ears and reciting their favorite lines from “The Notebook.”)So how do you make love last? ” Um, let’s stop right there…Because the research shows Another recent paper summarized the results of 313 separate studies, concluding that the similarity of personality and preferences—such as, the scientists say, “matching people who prefer Judd Apatow’s movies to Woody Allen’s with people who feel the same way”— had no effect on relationship well-being.
Ruling someone out because they love Coldplay and don’t appreciate the subtle genius of Radiohead is a bad idea.
And all the online dating websites with their fancy algorithms fail because they’re based on the idea that similarity rules.
You just get that high and you’re convinced: they’re your soulmate. Thinking about soulmates and being obsessed with limerence is very romantic. It’s the idea that “If I find the perfect person I won’t have to fight, change or do any work.” And that leads to the problem with limerence…It just doesn’t last.
Here’s Jonah: Dorothy Tennov, who’s done most of the research on limerence, found again and again and again that limerence doesn’t pan out. Going into a long-term relationship focused on limerence leads to disappointment.It’s an astonishing statistic: by simply looking at how couples speak about their past, the scientists could foresee their future. But couples with a future “glorify the struggle.” To simplify: BAD: Every couple is going to go through hard times and go through points where they wonder if they should still be together. But if you pass the finish line, the struggle makes the victory that much sweeter. Our closest relationships determine how we respond to the toughest times in life.